I miss it

I miss it ..
I miss being a girl ,
I miss being in frocks,
I miss being empty in my head ,

I miss being quiet ,
I miss being left out ,
Of games of jokes , of gossip,
(Not that I won't be if I try now),
I miss being cheated ,
I miss being wronged ,
I miss being stupid ,
I miss believing in all ,

I miss being the weaker one ,
I miss being laughed at ,
I miss being bullied ,
I miss being underestimated ,
I miss being told , I cannot handle ,

I miss not being nominated
for the discipline minister,
But being the only choice
for the social service minister ,
I miss being told I am too innocent,
I miss knowing it all the while
That it meant I am a loser ,
I miss my friends forgetting me during break ,
I miss my friends telling me ,
They find elocution contest boring
When I spoke in one ,
I miss sitting through sessions of fun
Where I could never figure out what was funny,
But laughed nevertheless

I miss being lonely ,
I miss the time I cried alone,
I miss the absence of a shoulder
To rest my head when I am low ,
I miss being sad for no reason ,
I miss contemplating I am so unlucky ,

All this and more, I do miss ,
They at least gave me an excuse ....

Meanings

Meaning ..
Of words , spoken , unspoken
Of promises kept and broken
Of the hand stretched out
Of the smile in the rout,
Meanings ..
Of looks ,of stares , of silence
Of books of cares and violence
Meanings ...
So difficult to fathom ,
Without a pattern or a rhythm
Meanings ...
Which I fail to comprehend,
And things go wrong , within seconds ,
Meanings...
Why should everything have one
Everything that i have ever done ,
Even things I have not ,
Things that I have ever sought ,
Meanings...
All words , all cares , all strife ,
All have meanings , but my life .....

Happy Feelings

My brother is in town . That day he offered to take me out in the city . We were supposed to meet at the city bus stop Majestic. I took a bus from my place to reach there . I like travelling . I like looking at people , different people. I like to conjecture what they might be thinking , from where they might be coming , what is their disposition etc . So when I travel in a public transport , I watch with keen interest the various shades of life .

The bus was thinly populated . I got a comfortable seat . There were lots of interesting people around . There was a muslim family of burqua clad women chatting incessantly. Then there was this beautiful smart , well dressed female who was standing and looking above people's heads as if she has nothing to do with the world of creatures called human beings , but actually she was taking stock of the number of men staring at her from the corner of her eyes . Then there were the behenji type of girls like me , who kept lookig out of the window fearing that they would go past their destination . All these are very common sight in a public bus , and it amuses me to watch them and derive my own conclusions . Similarly there are different kinds of men too . I won't dwell on that now .

At some distance an aunty boarded the bus .The bus was full by that time though still not crowded . Aunty did not get a seat , she was standing some four feet away from me . Aunty wore a strange frown on her face and that seemed to be permanent . It was quite amusing . I wondered if aunty wears that frown always . I kept staring at her , studying the contours of her frowning visage. I suddenly recognised the frown . I rememberd my mother wears a similar frown when she is in some dicomfiture. I wondered if it is the same with aunty . Aunty had grey hair , which were dyed black , the hair near the scalp had lost the dye though . Mummy looks similar few days after dyeing her hair . Then I saw her veined hands clasping the rods as she struggled to keep standing , her frown still in place . My mummy has similar hands veined with age and hard work , both spent in our well being . The skin on her face was sagging though not much , the early signs of old age . My mumma has similar contours on her face .Her eyes were exploring around for an empty seat . I realised I must offer my seat to aunty.

But aunty was almost four feet away from me . If I would rise some other people standing near me ,much younger and not exactly frowning , would take the seat . I waited for aunty to glance towards me . As her eyes met mine , I don't know by what artifice my eyes asked her if she would sit and aunty's face lit up with a smug smile in affirmative . She came up to my seat and i rose . As she sat , her frown had disappeared completely and with a beatific smile she uttered ' Thanks ' .The smile was the same that my mother would wear when i would do her a little favour without her asking me to do it , like making her a cup of tea when she is tired after doing her chores . I smiled profusely as i stood holding on to a rod .

I looked away and did not meet aunty's eyes again . I did not want her to feel grateful . In my heart i had a very happy feeling , I was proud of my education , blah blah blah . No , I just saw in her a reflection of my mom , and then I could not have let her wear that frown anymore .

Strange Feelings

This is going to be a very stupid and crap post . Simply bcoz i am miles away from home , away from my loved ones , and i am lonely . And its then that I have these strange feelings . What are these strange feelings . Well if i knew they won't be strange . I have no intention to create a lierary work right now ( i hope readers wud grant me this much that if not a genius i have a lurking literary talent that in later years i wish to put to good use, for the time being i just want to get a decent score in GRE). Though i think this post of mine would be hardly read and i expect no comments on this , for two reasons , one its vacation now , and I cannot advertise this post of mine on the yahoo messenger and google talk so that my online friends might just take a look and drop a comment if they wish to , and , second, over the past few months my readership has greatly reduced :( . God knows why . anyways that is why i presume i can safely write any crap in this post of mine as no one will be reading it . But then why sud i write at all , if no one will read . I realise that i have to take these 'strange feelings' out of my system . Wat are those strange feelings ? i do not kno . If i did they wudn't hav been strange.
Well just now i was walking through the lawn here after getting myself a packet of banana chips all alone . By the way its night and it has just rained . The earth is wet ,so is the path way . The sky is very clear and dark... in the patches where thr are no clouds. The clouds are white and very very light very very low . They look like cotton balls( nothing novel about the simile) anyways that is wat i felt . A very cool breeze is blowing carrying the clouds with it . U kno it is somewahat like this, the centre of the sky is very clear , almost cloudless and the clouds are circling the horizon . Infact they are almost rushing . The first image that came to my mind on seeing it was a huge caravan , ( i dunno exactly if it was a caravan of camels or horses or bullock carts ) travelling across the country ,the travellers laughing , singing, carrying parts and parcels of their household with them ... Now u see why i call myself vagabond . Yeah the image pulled hard at the strings of my heart and i had a real real feeling of happiness , strange , isn't it .. yeah i think i should have felt sad , sad about my loneliness , sad that i am not a part of such a caravan , laughing , giggling , singing , travelling .. But i felt happy, for a very brief moment i did feel happy. i thought i will share this feeling with my love , but he wasn't online hence i opened this long forgotten diary of mine .
Strange feelings .... There is this girl working with me , petite ,beautiful , chatty , good natured . I tried to make friends with her . Oh well i know i suck at that . But i tried . But i soon realised that its only she who is talking and i am smiling stupidly at watever she is saying and appreciating her . In my heart i realised i do that so often .Even if i am not really interested i try to show that i am . Does that mean I am a great hypocrite ? Strange feeling eh ? Not really many people do it in the course of their daily lives . Actually a normal humal being pretends for the major part of his life . wen are we actually real . Wen are we actually the animal that we are, in our elements ? Sometimes in our homes ... I guess more often in the bathroom . ( no questions on this matter wud be entertained :D, for those who did not get it , I just cracked a PJ)
More strange feelings.
There is a nosy fellow here. Whenever i am on the comp mailing or chatting , he peers over my monitor and behaves as if i am doing something illegal , that's only bcoz this is the dell comp and it is supposed to be used strictly for experiment purposes . Infact at present only two people have the password for this comp and one of them is me . ..The second is him ... Well he is also my co worker u see . and he has some kind of complex with smart females . so he tries to make me feel like a thief . i don't kno why i make him successful in his attempts . I almost jump on my chair wen he comes in the room , if i am mailing or chatting . Why do i do it ? Simple . Bcoz i believe that i am breaking the rules . why of all people on earth do i have so much concerns about rules . I say the feeling is ugly . Why did God make me so conscientious ? sigh .
enough bitching and strange feelings . i will sign off now . for those who read it , i broke three of my customs or say rules of blogging today . One , i never used to use sms language in my blog like sum , thr , cud wud etc .But in this particular post I did . i never started a sentence in the lower case previously , but in this particular post , i felt too .... i dunno wat ( maybe another strange feeling) .. to take that trouble . Three ,i never bitched on blog , today i did :D